slightlytaller

Um... you. My omen.

Good...

I'd normally have asked you what you can taste as well, but that's a little odd for right now.

[He heaved a sigh and looked up at all the boxes stacked around them.]

That's a fairly ordinary grounding strategy, both for coming out of a hypnotic state or interrupting a panic attack.

How do you feel now?

Edited 2023-02-12 17:38 (UTC)

... I can still hear them. It's softer now, but...

[At least his breathing is even now. He can't get away from the hallucinations, but he can at least breathe.]

Yeah...

[He said softly, gently rubbing Jun's shoulder. Although he didn't have Jun's traumas, he did understand a little. ]

Sometimes, I can still see my ghosts. Smell the blood, hear the clash of blades...

[Waver trailed, recalling with his mind's eye the gleaming golden armor of the ancient King of Babylonia-- barely marred even by dust and dirt while the King of Conquerors drew his final breath. It was too easy to get lost... And, to remind himself, he lightly squeezed Jun's shoulder. ]

A check in with your body's senses can help you remember where and when you are. Eating something spicy or sour, or even washing your face with cold water, can help too.

Edited 2023-02-12 22:03 (UTC)

... I killed so many people, Waver. Not even just by defeating their version of Earth. I killed them one by one.

[Has he told Waver this before? He can't remember at the moment.]

I can't imagine how terrified they must have been, seeing this giant robot shoot lasers at people one by one. I... I was the stuff of nightmares.

Their blood's on my hands. I never expected to live long enough to deal with the guilt. I never thought I'd be trying to deal with the fact that I'm a murderer.

[He presses his head into Waver's chest, doing his best to take even breaths.]

I know all of the 'noble' answers. 'Make the world a better place so that people didn't die in vain' or some shit like that. But none of that feels like it matters when you're in a dark place where you can't find the exit.

You were a soldier following orders, Jun. You deserve to be treated-- and respected-- as such.

[ Waver had heard a little, and he had said relayed some of his thoughts before. However, given the circumstances, it probably helped to repeat them within reason.]

I'm not going to tell you all those nice platitudes others would say. 'Don't let their deaths be in vain' is bullshit when you're hurting.

You deserve to have your time to grieve... Over what you were ordered to do, over the carnage you are just as much a victim of, and over the life that you should have led.

All that matters now is finding your light in the darkness, and your reason to keep living.

Edited 2023-02-12 22:45 (UTC)

A soldier's still a murderer.

[He has... Opinions about the army, having been basically quarantined because of them - and his birth mother being among them.]

I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to find a reason.

... Maybe. But a soldier was only acting on orders, and probably didn't see another option available.

It's the job of their leaders to guide them in the right direction.

[Waver closed his eyes, and knew that his personal reasons wouldn't help here. It took Iskandar ordering him to live and tell the tale that got him through the aftermath of the Holy Grail War, and his own misgivings about how young people were being taught that drove him towards the classroom. Those would not matter to Jun-- so, instead of telling his own tale, he decided to ask a question instead. ]

Have you told any of this to Manabu or his partners? Or, perhaps even Falco?

We didn't have anyone giving us orders. Just the rules of the game. And no one knows how or why it was created, so we can't point to someone.

... I've told them, yes. Some more than others, but for the most part they know. They know Trench is all I have.

[He takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. His own world is in rough shape in certain spots, but it's otherwise intact - provided the pilot after him does their job correctly.]

There's no point in wanting to go 'home' or anything like that. There's no other 'home' for me.

... That sounds a bit like a novel I read as a kid, but the game still had adults monitoring how the rules were followed, and the other side were extra terrestrials.

[But, Waver didn't doubt that the novel Ender's Game might have a few parallels here. It had been years since he read the book, but maybe some of the themes could be helpful. ]

I know there's no point in you going home-- but, perhaps you can find a way to live outside of those rules you grew up under while making this world a good place to call your home?

I'm trying. I just have no guide. No rulebook. Nothing I can follow to find my way.

Everything's just... strange and terrifying and this world seems to not want us. But it's what I have left.

... I'm probably not the only one who doesn't have anything left.

... I've met others who have no where else to go, [Waver admitted,] but their situations aren't necessarily the same as your's.

Even if they did have more in common with you besides that one fact, there really is no guidebook.

You can only do your best, but also lean on your people when you need to.

Edited 2023-02-14 16:13 (UTC)

'My people'.

[He snorted a little and tucked his chin in more.]

... I guess I do have some. You. Manabu. Vi. Sensei.

[A small chuckle, bitter but kind, puffed out of him at that comment. He hadn't expected to be included-- but ... ]

It's not so bad then, is it?

[Too late Waver, you've been Adopted.]

No. ... I guess not.

I... know that just because I'm upset doesn't mean I'm not a strong person. But it makes me feel stupid and weak.

Yeah... And we all feel like that from time to time, especially when it's something big.

[It was strange. Waver knew he was only saying the things he wished that someone else had told him when he was younger, but it was still nice to hear spoken out loud. The words were a reminder-- perhaps even a spell in their own right.

A declaration that manifested in proving to reality that they weren't alone. ]

... You can keep calling me Dad. If you want.

[He added, eyes drifting away as he tried not to dwell on how he felt himself grow red just by saying those words.

Who's adopted who?]

You're certainly not to first young person that I've advised, but you're the first to call me that. If it helps you... I don't mind.

I just can't promise that I'll be everything you dream that a dad should be.

Wh - I was being sarcastic -

[But he did sort of think of Waver like a father sort of figure. A teacher at least... he was used to being treated like a student even by family members, but...]

[... There was something special about Waver. Something past just being a teacher. He wasn't sure what to do. He sighed and slumped slightly.]

I don't have any dreams as to what a father is. You're just... you've been treating me like your kid. Running for me when I need help... going out of your way to take care of me where you could have just talked to me over the omni and left me.

You seem to actually care about me. And... not a lot of people do. Part of it's my fault - I know I can be a jerk to some people, but...

Well. I mean, I can be a jerk, too.

[It was a joke-- but sometimes a little self awareness could be a good thing. Waver sighed, uncertain of what to do moving forward but knowing that he certainly couldn't just abandon Jun at this juncture.]

But, you kept reaching out when I was in trouble. Of course I would hold my hand out for you.

Something we have in common.

[He huffed a little and tucked his head under the other's chin.]

You're... kind, though. It's hard... that there's just so many kind people. I don't know what to do.

[Ugh...]

You're a good person. Deal with it.

You're also a good person. Deal with it.

[He gave Jun a tight squeeze. This was new territory for him... but it wasn't wholly uncomfortable. Truly, the worst part was that he still looked like he did when he was in Japan. A few extra inches and the surplus mana he had stockpiled away for emergencies would have been handy in this moment. Instead of dwelling on it, Waver shifted uncomfortably amid the boxes.]

We can't stay in here all day.

[Waver said finally, gently rubbing Jun's shoulder while he spoke.]

I've got your Christmas gift in the other room. It's nothing fancy... but I thought you might need it about now.

[He huffed but didn't disagree, because it wasn't going to do anything.]

[The mention of a present got him to pause and... blink furiously.]

You... didn't need to get me anything. Just because I got you something doesn't mean you had... to...

[He pulled away a little so that he could stand and watch the other in curiosity and confusion.]

I had it before all of that,

[Waver stood as well, and started to lead Jun out of the closet they had been hiding in.]

I just didn't have a chance to give it to you... and, then I wasn't myself.

[He opened the door. On the table nearby was a small wrapped package-- and a very large plush whale.]

Makes sense.

[He stood and stared at the whale, looking at it and then looking back at Waver before returning his gaze to the whale. He wasn't really a plush person, but... it was a sweet thought.]

Ah... thank you.

[He walked over to the package and started unwrapping it carefully.]

[Inside was a book about how marine scientists were using whale songs to map out features along the bottom of the ocean-- a nod to one of their earlier conversations, where Jun had mentioned an interest in marine related science fields. Waver smiled-- momentarily feeling a little awkward.]

You're more than welcome.

I thought you would like it.

[He looked up at Waver and smiled slightly. Whales, huh...]

Thank you.

[He patted the whale on the head and nodded. He wasn't really... sure what to do, but...]

You didn't have to do this.

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