slightlytaller

Jun!

[Panic made his nerves all but hum inside his body as he read those words-- his own heart pounding in sympathetic reaction to the viceral urge to yeet oneself from their own body that he read in the keysmashes.

If Jun answered, he would certainly hear the anger and terror in Waver's voice-- smaller, certainly, but still ringing with that academic clarity that the professor prided himself on.

Uncaring if Jun heard, Waver rattled on.]

Gray, where is he? Can you help me find him? Gods this is a shitty way to meet Manabu!

[Jun's side stays stubbornly text, but it's a different font? Somehow.]

He is hiding in the back room of the Roost.

He wanted to work today to be helpful but he is not being helpful if he is shaking too hard to hold anything.

[Thankfully, omens can text.]

Dammit, he's worse than I was....

[Waver hissed while reading the text, and was already grabbing his coat. All of his clothes were too big for him at the moment-- but he would make do. It was fine. This was all fine...]

I'm gonna lamp my way in. Thank you.

[And with that he shut his feed-- and was out the door.]

[When he gets there, there's a golden retriever waiting by the door. He opens it with his paws (good boy) and leads Waver back towards the storage room. Jun is cowering amidst a load of boxes and canned food.]

Shut up shut up shut up shut up -

[... It was hard to see.

Unsure of what appropriate manners were, Waver reached out and tousled the dog's ears.]

Thank you, [he said, and rushed forward-- a small black cat darting ahead of him.

Gray slipped into Jun's hiding place and batted at his arm with a paw. Waver, meanwhile, tried not to trip over the boxes as he pressed forward. ]

Jun? Jun, I'm here. Talk to me.

[He ignores the cat. The cat's not there. Nothing's there other than the darkness and the white room and the chairs and the screaming --]

[He hears his name being called, and he looks up.]

... Make it stop. Make it stop -

[He doesn't want to cry. He's out of tears. He's too exhausted to cry.]

[He didn't know what to do.

Waver was a jack of all trades. Often this was better than being a master of a single subject, but applied psychology was not something he was well versed in. Grasping at straws, he did the first thing he could think of--

And pulled Jun into a hug.

Breathing deeply, he shakily found his center and his voice.]

Okay, Jun. Close your eyes and tell me five things that you're hearing.

Edited 2023-02-09 21:51 (UTC)

[He didn't resist, letting himself get pulled out from the mess of the storeroom and into the other's arms. It didn't matter - he would still be terrible, no matter where he was.]

[Five things he can hear... he knows half his answers aren't real, but -]

You. Breathing. Screaming. Gunshots. Lasers.

Only two of those are real,

[He said gently, trying to ignore the way his heart pounded in his ears in the quiet room they were in. ]

Can you try again?

Edited 2023-02-10 13:37 (UTC)

[He shakes his head, trying to breathe.]

I can't... I can't stop it. I can't...

[He's trying, but he can't think of anything other than terrible things.]

Don't leave me...

[Waver wrapped his thin arms tighter around the boy. ]

It seems impossible, but you can do it.

What are four things that your body is actually feeling-- right here, right now?

Edited 2023-02-10 13:49 (UTC)

I... uh...

... Adrenaline. Fear... o... oh, you mean physically feeling. O-outside of me.

[Right? Right.]

The floor. Your heartbeat. Clothing.

[His omen nosed under his hand and he sighed.]

Dog fur.

Good job.

[Waver sighed, glad that Jun was getting it. ]

This is going to sound strange, but what are three things you can smell?

Uh...

[That is weird, but...]

Alcohol. Dust. Some kind of vegetable, I'm not sure.

You don't need the details-- now, what are two things that you can see?

Um... you. My omen.

Good...

I'd normally have asked you what you can taste as well, but that's a little odd for right now.

[He heaved a sigh and looked up at all the boxes stacked around them.]

That's a fairly ordinary grounding strategy, both for coming out of a hypnotic state or interrupting a panic attack.

How do you feel now?

Edited 2023-02-12 17:38 (UTC)

... I can still hear them. It's softer now, but...

[At least his breathing is even now. He can't get away from the hallucinations, but he can at least breathe.]

Yeah...

[He said softly, gently rubbing Jun's shoulder. Although he didn't have Jun's traumas, he did understand a little. ]

Sometimes, I can still see my ghosts. Smell the blood, hear the clash of blades...

[Waver trailed, recalling with his mind's eye the gleaming golden armor of the ancient King of Babylonia-- barely marred even by dust and dirt while the King of Conquerors drew his final breath. It was too easy to get lost... And, to remind himself, he lightly squeezed Jun's shoulder. ]

A check in with your body's senses can help you remember where and when you are. Eating something spicy or sour, or even washing your face with cold water, can help too.

Edited 2023-02-12 22:03 (UTC)

... I killed so many people, Waver. Not even just by defeating their version of Earth. I killed them one by one.

[Has he told Waver this before? He can't remember at the moment.]

I can't imagine how terrified they must have been, seeing this giant robot shoot lasers at people one by one. I... I was the stuff of nightmares.

Their blood's on my hands. I never expected to live long enough to deal with the guilt. I never thought I'd be trying to deal with the fact that I'm a murderer.

[He presses his head into Waver's chest, doing his best to take even breaths.]

I know all of the 'noble' answers. 'Make the world a better place so that people didn't die in vain' or some shit like that. But none of that feels like it matters when you're in a dark place where you can't find the exit.

You were a soldier following orders, Jun. You deserve to be treated-- and respected-- as such.

[ Waver had heard a little, and he had said relayed some of his thoughts before. However, given the circumstances, it probably helped to repeat them within reason.]

I'm not going to tell you all those nice platitudes others would say. 'Don't let their deaths be in vain' is bullshit when you're hurting.

You deserve to have your time to grieve... Over what you were ordered to do, over the carnage you are just as much a victim of, and over the life that you should have led.

All that matters now is finding your light in the darkness, and your reason to keep living.

Edited 2023-02-12 22:45 (UTC)

A soldier's still a murderer.

[He has... Opinions about the army, having been basically quarantined because of them - and his birth mother being among them.]

I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to find a reason.

... Maybe. But a soldier was only acting on orders, and probably didn't see another option available.

It's the job of their leaders to guide them in the right direction.

[Waver closed his eyes, and knew that his personal reasons wouldn't help here. It took Iskandar ordering him to live and tell the tale that got him through the aftermath of the Holy Grail War, and his own misgivings about how young people were being taught that drove him towards the classroom. Those would not matter to Jun-- so, instead of telling his own tale, he decided to ask a question instead. ]

Have you told any of this to Manabu or his partners? Or, perhaps even Falco?

We didn't have anyone giving us orders. Just the rules of the game. And no one knows how or why it was created, so we can't point to someone.

... I've told them, yes. Some more than others, but for the most part they know. They know Trench is all I have.

[He takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. His own world is in rough shape in certain spots, but it's otherwise intact - provided the pilot after him does their job correctly.]

There's no point in wanting to go 'home' or anything like that. There's no other 'home' for me.

... That sounds a bit like a novel I read as a kid, but the game still had adults monitoring how the rules were followed, and the other side were extra terrestrials.

[But, Waver didn't doubt that the novel Ender's Game might have a few parallels here. It had been years since he read the book, but maybe some of the themes could be helpful. ]

I know there's no point in you going home-- but, perhaps you can find a way to live outside of those rules you grew up under while making this world a good place to call your home?

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